twenty-three

I’m lost. I’m forcing it, everything, and it’s so apparent. The first sign is really how forced this post is for me to write. But please excuse the lack of “flow” in my words, and refer to the list below. Starting with….

1. forced insomnia… i even went as far as to drink coffee at 11:00 pm to ensure i wouldn’t pass out. I’ve got a design deadline, sure, but that’s not the whole reason I am craving an all-nighter. I used to do my best thinking during fits of insomnia- but back then it was the thoughts that were preventing me from sleeping. Not a Starbucks Via.

2. forced plasticities… used under a loose interpretation of this definition: | plaˈstisitē (n): the capacity of organisms… to vary in developmental pattern, in phenotype, or in behavior according to varying environmental conditions |  I have become so removed from the moment that my behavior has become entirely dependent on how I interpret my surroundings. Whatever I used to call a personality has completely vanished, and in it’s place is an uncomfortably nervous, timid, shell of a girl. Day-to-day interactions are painful for me, to be honest. I’ve adopted a monotone speech pattern and I HATE IT. I used to be animated. Now that’s forced.

3. forced third thing… or, forced “everything else,” because it’s all the same. I walk around in an empty shell. It’s noticeable I think. But my worry is that I’m living in a new place with new people who’ve never seen the ‘Before Shot’ where I was healthy, happy. Who is my ally in the fight against who I’m becoming (or really, who I’m dissolving into)? Or maybe I’m supposed to be doing this on my own. I keep saying to myself: “you’re single, this is good for you.” I finally have the freedom to work on myself! I have to (4.) force myself to take charge. I must have some motivation and self-respect left in my shell. 

My boss is gone on vacation for the next ten days. At first I was a little scared at what ten days alone in the studio would do to my psyche. But now i’m (5.) forcing myself to use this as a rare opportunity to re-focus. Really figure out what I need and actually do it, no matter what. If I need to run in the middle of the day, I WILL. If I need a five minute crying break I will take one. And at the end of these ten days, a confident, in-shape, put-together, and generally happy woman will be greeting my boss upon her return. Or at least the beginning stages of one. 

I think I’m going to start right now. I will (6.) force myself to turn off the nostalgic Coldplay, (7.) mentally prepare for the day, and (8.) get ready for bed. 

goodnight, world.

Notes on a Scandal(ous) Experience

first thought: I’m starting to feel the shrooms now. I almost feel like writing my thoughts is stopping me from experiencing them. 

The margins on this “note” format are irritating me. Maybe this means I’m meant to be a designer.

The age of the Internet is a pretty powerful tool for… And I’m gone now.

second thought: I’m trying to figure out my sense of… what’s the word… Hovering. You know what I mean? Not belonging; out of placement.. anyways: I’m trying to figure out where it comes from. I’ll be disappointed if there are multiple sources; I feel like that’s a cop-out. My potential options are:

A. Being an old child

B. Having mixed race

C. THE TRANSITION

D. … I think the underwhelming conclusion is that the answer is d. All of the above.

the end.

third thought: putting it together, I think my problem is I fell out of love. And I did so at a very bad time. And that’s sad.

fourth thought: I think New York is the most socially acceptable place to delay the completion of “the transition”. I don’t want to feel settled down in any sense, and New York is the only place that can give someone a permanent sense of unsettlement.

Also, I’m aware of just how possibly self-obsessed it may sound to only be thinking about being in the transition, but

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secret dream job: pr/brand consultant for a record label or bands. how amazing would it be to share a part in curating the visual identity for someone like.. local natives.

or a movie stylist. you know what? I’m really talking about Art Direction. I want to be an art director.