it’s been a while. i haven’t had the urge to write down my musings and feelings for some time now; i know why. Too consumed and Too empty at the same time for any true, uninhibited stream of consciousness.
I have been too consumed by the inevitable future: graduation, turning passions into profit, finding a place that i belong— you know, the typical senior-year-panic (for those of us without a job set already, at least).
But all at the same time i am finding myself more and more empty each month, week, day even. By the hour it fluctuates. And while in a group, at work or with my friends, I am entirely plump with joy they may think. All it takes, though, is the tiniest set back for all of the emptiness to swallow any shred of self-assuredness i had briefly mustered up. A slow run. A stomach ache. A moment of no self-control with food. An unexpected email from a professor. Another week without hearing from jobs or contacts. Anything, really. And all in a flash the tears come. And with them, a reminder that I really am alone. That before I can love with my whole heart, I need to gather all of the pieces of my heart back together and try and find something that will bind them permanently again.
All of the things that i resorted to last year in my fits of loneliness: my photography, my cooking, my writing, drawing, designing, running:: i have lost the motivation for all of it. And sometimes, the drive to get out of bed, to shower, to finish a run, to email someone back. It breaks my heart even more to see it’s effect on the Mister. he is really the only person i can be completely truthful with, without feeling any shame. I love him more than my emptiness is able to express to him and i see that it hurts him. and i know it hurts me too, but i can’t express it. i want what’s best for him, and he loves me. but sometimes things aren’t that simple. i wasn’t like this when we met. and i want to get back to the way i was then before he realizes he deserves to be around someone with more joy and who is able to indulge in life better than i can right now. I want to be able to do that for him, but really, in order to be healthy again i need to do that for myself. i need to want to be better. because it is effecting me both physically and mentally.
and that’s about as much uninhibited writing my mind will allow for the night.